Monday, January 12, 2009

Not Me! Monday...Edited For Maximum Embarrassment...

This past week:

I would never have been too lazy to actually go downstairs to tell Benjie something. I would never have called his cell phone from the home phone while lying in bed. I am not sloth-like.

I did not call my sister, who is due any day now, on Thursday night and demand of her: "Are you in labor?" because I got this premonition (btw I never have premonitions. And when I do they are always false, obviously) that she was. She wasn't. She was eating dinner.

I would never have worn Benjie's undershirt under a cardigan on Friday. All my white tee shirts are, for some reason, either (a) stretched out or (b) dirty. But I wanted to wear this cute cardigan I have. And I needed a white t shirt. So I wore one of Benjie's undershirts.

I did not buy 75 90 120 boxes of cereal at Jewel last week. Because every time I bought 7, I made $5.

I did not collect over $60 toward this week's shopping (YEEHA!).

I do not feel compelled to print coupons/stop at Jewel every time I leave my house.

I did not bathe my kids and blow dry Shana's hair because we had to go to lice check. I did not do this because I do not want the lice check ladies to talk about how dirty my kids are. And believe me, they do talk about the dirty hair of the kids they check.

I did not buy my husband a defective pair of Ugg slippers for his birthday.

He does not now need to go back to Nordstrom so as to get a new pair with shearling covering the whole bottom. As opposed to the current pair. Which only have shearling covering approximately 90%.

My children did not behave like adorable little angels when we went out to dinner for Benjie's birthday.

Jacob did not drink about 50% of my nana tea.

I did not eat until I was ever so slightly ill.

It was not absolutely lovely.

On Friday, while making cholent (this nasty stew like concoction we eat at lunch on Saturdays), I did not accidentally dump in half a bag of brown rice instead of barley.

This did not upset me because it was the wrong ingredient. Rather, it upset me because brown rice costs like six times what barley does.

I then did not just leave it there because I am sloth-like. and lazy.

I did not then just dump a little barley on top.

My family did not merely eat their cholent for lunch and compliment me on how delicious it is.

I am not considering switching to brown rice anyway because it is much healthier (at least I think)

I did not just realize that I have just told Benjie that I used brown rice instead of barley.

On Sunday while at the car dealership for the 4th time trying to pick up the correct seat belt extenders, my car did not then get stuck inside the dealership garage because the Bobcat they were using to clear the eighteen million feet of snow did not stall out and die in the only driveway out.

My kids were not wigging out in the car as a "3 minute stop on the way home from lice check" became a 45 minute nightmare.

The boys were not SCREAMING on the top of their lungs that they were missing the beginning of the football game.

Shana did not complain and moan to me that she was bored in the snotty little voice that I despise and makes me want to shut her in her room until puberty. Which will probably be a living nightmare in my house.

I did not then tell the guys working in the garage that "I was going to have a nervous breakdown if they didn't get me out of the garage in two minutes" (and yes, that is a direct quote. I told them I was going to have a nervous breakdown)

They did not then back up like six cars to let me out.

They have not now stamped my vehicle file as:
Sara P, 2005 Sienna. Insane.

I do not want to wish Happy Birthday again to my wonderful, amazing, hot husband, who is the most incredible man, husband and father I have ever met. (ok that was a little cheesy, even for me. But c'mon, folks! Those of you who know him in real life know I speak the truth about Benjie. He is (a) wonderful (b) amazing (c) hot (d) an awesome husband (he's currently folding the laundry as I blog!) (e) a fabulous father. So I will indulge my cheesiness just this once.)

What about you? What didn't you do this past week?


Orah said...

I DID NOT talk about all the kids with dirty hair!!! Okay, maybe I did, but never ever by name. (that is true). We just commiserate about the concept and we DO appreciate that "some" Mothers do take the time to bathe or make sure said kid is recently bathed and combed... And BTW, I do not ALWAYS call Hun on his cell phone, I certainly don't do it when he is two feet away from me and I will get his attention so much quicker that way.

Anonymous said...

120 boxes of cereal???? Where do you store all of them?

Martin said...

If there is a 'no nits' policy at your kids' school, washing and combing is a good idea. It often happens that crumbs and dander get mistaken for nits. I wouldn't be surprised if the checkers look harder if they are judging the kids based on how clean the head is even though lice like clean heads just as much as they like dirty heads.

elisha said...

I am not reading your blog at work because I am addicted to it! I should be teaching or at least doing paperwork. Anyway, will you please consider helping those of us who are coupon challenged by giving us a class? You are the rock star of coupons!!

Julie said...

I have NEVER called someone on the phone b/c I didn't want to get up. :)

-stephanie- said...

I'm with you on calling my hubby on the phone from one room to another. Lazy and sloth-like is my description of me too.
Looks like you guys like cereal. wow.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, your uneventful life is exhausting me! :)

Lorina said...

Haha.. I loved the number one! Calling from upstairs, that's funny.

And 120 of cereal... I would so completely do this, though I do not have the storage for it all!

Shosh said...

Im laughing about the car dealership.....

Orah said...

First of all, are you going to finish all that cereal before pesach? And second, what was wrong with your extenders that you had to go back 4 times.

Miriam said...

I am laughing really hard because I just told Meir last week that I am convised that they have put a tag on my file at Sherman Dodge saying "psyco lady!" I think the latest development definitly did it though- I went in last week because my left windshield wiper snapped off and went flying down Kedzie while I was driving. I did not then get on my cell phone with Sherman Dodge and have 4 different people burst out laughing and say, "no really what happened?" Like I make up these stories for my good health or something. So I took my car in and I gave them the last name and 4 (yes 4) technicians come running over- "So your the lasy that had the windshield wiper theat snapped off and flew down the street!" I was not TOTALLY embarassed and amused at the same time. I also think it must have been a very very slow day there! Thankfully I drove out 7 minutes after driving in with a new windshild wiper and having only paid $13.75.

Takin' time to smell the flowers! said...

I love your Not me's! Too funny. I'm not a sloth much of the time either:) I'm glad that I found your blog, I'll be back(said in terminator voice)